Pre-Marital Counseling Saved Our Engagement — Here’s What No One Tells You Before You Say ‘I Do’

Introduction: The Crisis We Didn't See Coming

We were six months away from the wedding when things started to unravel. What started as small disagreements over wedding plans turned into tense conversations and emotional distance. We weren’t sure what was happening — we loved each other, but we were struggling.

That's when we reached out to Dan Michels, a psychotherapist based in Boulder who specializes in couples therapy and pre-marital counseling. His approach helped us understand that what we were going through was normal — and that we could work through it, together.

How Therapy Helped Us Reconnect

When we started pre-marital counseling, we thought it would just be about checking off the “to-do” list: talk about money, kids, plans. But our sessions with Dan were much deeper than that. We learned how to better understand each other — not just emotionally, but physically and neurologically.

Dan uses a therapy model called PACT — the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy. It’s based on how your nervous system, attachment history, and real-time reactions play out in relationships. With Dan’s help, we discovered how to:

Understand each other’s communication and attachment styles

Learn how to stay present and connected during tough conversations

Recognize how childhood experiences were shaping our current patterns

What No One Tells You Before Marriage

1. Love Isn’t Enough Without Tools

We didn’t realize how often our disagreements were tied to stress or fear responses in our nervous systems. Dan helped us slow down and communicate more clearly. We learned how to:

• Use nonviolent communication
• Notice when one of us was shutting down or overwhelmed
• Practice calming techniques together

2. Relationships Involve Your Whole Body

When one of us shut down or got angry, it wasn’t just emotional — it was physical. Dan showed us how our nervous systems were responding to perceived threats, even if there wasn’t actual danger. Learning how to co-regulate (like using eye contact or deep breathing together) made it easier to stay connected.

3. Conflict Isn’t a Sign Something’s Wrong

We thought conflict meant we weren’t compatible. Dan helped us see that conflict is normal — it’s how you handle it that matters. Instead of falling into old patterns, we practiced:

• Pausing when things got heated
• Taking breaks without walking away emotionally
• Repairing after arguments by checking in with care

Real Conversations We Had

Money and Expectations

Dan helped us talk about money without judgment. We realized our different upbringings shaped how we thought about saving, spending, and financial security.

Sex and Intimacy

We were both carrying silent expectations. Dan’s gentle, open approach created a space for us to explore these without shame. That honesty deepened our physical and emotional connection.

Childhood and Family Patterns

We both came into the relationship with emotional baggage. By exploring our early experiences, we learned how past wounds were showing up in present-day conflicts — and how to support each other through healing.

Tips We Still Use Today

• Weekly check-ins without distractions
• Asking "What do you need right now?" instead of making assumptions
• Saying "That makes sense" to validate each other’s feelings
• Short grounding rituals like holding hands or taking a few deep breaths together

Why We Recommend Dan Michels

Dan isn’t just a couples therapist — he’s someone who truly gets how relationships work. His training in PACT, and his understanding of attachment, neuroscience, and somatic therapy, gave us tools that actually helped. Sessions with him felt calm, safe, and productive.

He helped us understand that strong relationships are built on:

• Mutual respect and fairness
• Being curious about your partner rather than critical
• Building a foundation of emotional and physical safety

The Difference It Made

By the time our wedding came around, we didn’t just feel excited — we felt secure. We had gone through some of the toughest conversations of our relationship, and come out stronger for it.

Dan helped us build a partnership based on understanding and support. That foundation has continued to guide us long after the wedding.

Thinking About Pre-Marital Counseling?

If you're in Boulder, Longmont, or the surrounding areas, and you're preparing for marriage — or just wanting to improve your connection — we highly recommend pre-marital counseling with Dan Michels.

It’s not just about avoiding problems. It’s about building the kind of relationship where you can face anything, together.

Schedule a free 30-minute consultation with Dan through his website: danmichels.com. It might just be the best investment you make in your future together.